Bang who died.

Moving on.

2011-03-21T15:24:00.001+08:00

On my 100th post, I've decided to move on to a new livejournal...

http://bangwhodied.livejournal.com

Long ago.

2011-03-06T14:14:00.002+08:00

Hmm it's been super long since I've posted! JC life is really busy ttm. Last whole week busy with dramafest! apollo crew'11 (: much love. haha! will miss the times we spend rehearsing tgther! fellow clubbers who stone with me on the stage for hours! haha (:

Canoeing is fine i guess. hiong yes. but its like a sense of accomplishment everytime u put in your best to complete each training! yay having awesome fun with awesome batchmates for canoeing (: hope the passion will live on..to keep me surviving this...oh well!

teehee. bored. need to chiong chem and maths after lunch :/ oh well. i guess this is really jc life. just started and feeling abit offshape alrdy. shesh! need to get a firm grasp of this before carrying on. oh well jiayou jiayou everyone (:

OG 33!

2011-02-01T21:16:00.002+08:00

Orientation is almost over! Tmr CNY celebration will prob be the last time spending time with OG 33! :D it's been enjoyable! tremendously ;D I really enjoyed games and the two days of OG dinner! Yay hopefully OG outing tmr will be fun :D

Grenade.

2011-01-30T22:12:00.001+08:00

Bruno Mars - grenade

I'm damn freaking stressed over all these crappe. yet it seems like no one understands.

It hurts.

2011-01-24T11:19:00.001+08:00

It hurts - 2ne1

[CL] You wear the shoes I gave you and walk along the streets with her
As if it were nothing, you kiss her
You spray the cologne I gave you and embrace her
You'll probably repeat those promises you made to me with her

[Minzy] It seems that we're already too late
Has our love already ended
Please at least say anything to me
We truly loved each other, can't turn back?

[Dara] I'm the only one hurting tonight

[Bom] Have you changed?
Am I no longer in your heart now?
When I, I think about you
It hurts, hurts, hurts so much

[Minzy] You look at my tears as if it were nothing
You continue to talk calmly again
[CL] You told me cruely that you couldn't deny
That you had absolutely no attachments or regrets

[Bom] Are we already too late? Is our love over?
Even if it's a lie, please tell me it isn't so
I can do better now, though we can't meet again

[Dara] I'm the only one in pain tonight

[CL] Have you changed?
Am I no longer in your heart now?
When I, I think about you
It hurts, hurts, hurts so much

[Minzy] You're no longer your old self
[CL] Because the you I loved
And the you now are so different
[Dara] Are you that shocked?
I just stood and cried
Watching you become further away
[Bom] No way, I can't recognize
You're not mine anymore

[Dara] Did you have to change?
Can't you come back?
Did you really have to change?
Can't you come back?

Did you have to change?
Can't you come back?
Why did you have to change?
Can't you keep loving me?

[Bom] Oh, is this the end?
Am I no longer in your heart now?
When I, I think about you
[Minzy] It hurts, hurts, hurts so much

[Minzy] It hurts, it hurts
[CL] It hurts, it hurts

Smile.

2011-01-23T22:19:00.003+08:00

I'm smiling - Ga-in (BEG)

Do not worrry, I am fine, just go the way you were traveling
I’ve been so sorry for making things hard

I won’t give reasons or excuses anymore
Thank you for loving me thus far

When tears come out, I will smile, just the way you did for me
I am smiling like a fool, as I send you away

Please take care of that person, I still linger for that person
Once I love you I cannot let go of your hand
Once I send you away, I am hurting like this
It’s too late, but I am still happy

I don’t know why, you worried for me so much
You’ll never know how much I regret this

Because I am like you, I’ve suddenly become a lingering fool
I’ve become pitiful after you left

It’s laughable that I could not be with you when you were here and I am like this now after you left
I am smiling today by myself, I want to see you

Please take care of that person, I still linger for that person
Once I love you I cannot let go of your hand
Once I send you away, I am hurting like this
It’s too late, but I am still happy

As my tears hit the back of my hand without a sound
I should be smiling but I cried instead

When I think of that person, when I miss that person
Smiling and crying can no longer console me

Please take care of that person, for the last time…(continues to next line)
If I could see that person, I will smile brightly
If you see me, please smile

好想答应你...why is this happening... I can't feel this way ): no...

WEEEEEEEEEEEE.

2011-01-20T16:34:00.002+08:00

Wa super long never blog already.

Hmmm last Saturday was the last day for me at Freshness Burger. Hmm...FRESH MEMORIES! Thanks guys for all the great memories...some to mention...century: yingyue, cassandra, gerald, junwen, yunkai, sujiat, rachel, cheyanne, joal, elissa, ram...etc... other outlets: pearlyn, adelyn, qimin, augustine, sara, qinlin, sagiri, justin, huiqi, huiying...etc! hao duo ren! including our dear managers and seniors! (: will miss you guys alot! Stay in contact!

Been caught up with work through the whole holiday! sorry em, kw and hl! me and yy couldnt join u guys with the fishing and biking trip! ): sorry sqdms! couldnt join you guys for farewell and sqd chalet! glad you guys had fun (:

Hmm now that holidays are over...I'm in hwachong. wow. -.- like the feeling of being in JC totally hasnt sink in yet... so many things to think about! Subject combi...cca...OG...and for some reason TUCKING IN MY SHIRT...i dno leh. feels weird although half the population of people in hci are from nanyang...but! so weird! cca without sqdms. classes with classrooms and classmates! weird! AND I FEEL TEMPTED TO JOIN GEOG! T^T my god ): but they said that bio and geog will be two content heavy subjects and it will be difficult to handle ): sian...HOW T^T thinking of joining soccer/tchoukball/floorball! hmmm... sian...totally lost. BTW...IP week feels like a waste of time... oh well...

I'm super looking fwd to sunday! outing with yy, cass, gerald, junwen (and his gf), augustine! it will be fun with the other bibles (: visiting nex~ (: yay. at least something good out of this wk... :/ boredom.

ANYWAY....CHINESE NEW YEAR IS AROUND THE CORNER! i shall make good use of time and the money i earned to go do some quality shopping ;D BYEEEEEEEEEE (;

The end?

2010-12-09T21:12:00.002+08:00

Will I cry? ):

AMPUTATION.

2010-12-06T20:36:00.003+08:00

My legs are aching till the point that even if I amputate my legs I can still feel it! D: oh nos ): started work at Freshness burger at the new nex mall in serangoon with becca! cant wait for day off on sunday! oh well. super tiring but at least the people there are really nice :D and the burgers are good! lunch is worth waiting for it...(at like 3/4pm? when i report to work at 8am? epic.)

anyway. I STARTED YESTERDAY! AND I DIDNT MANAGE TO WISH DADDY...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! love you <3

on my blog i mean. teehee. so i shall date this post to be err...on 5 DEC 2010. :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY LOVE YOU LOTS! THANKS FOR ALWAYS DOTING ME :D HEHE.

I feel so random but oh well...me be tired. zzz. i shall laze on the bed and watch tv before sleeping (: gambatte! :D

If you loved me for me.

2010-12-04T18:42:00.003+08:00

Ignore the video but the song is nice! :D okay...abit childish of me to still be watching barbie but yeah its the song! i really like it.

Will I be the one you choose?

MIA.

2010-12-02T14:28:00.002+08:00

Hey people.

Welcome the barely dead or living back on the surface of earth. I've been MIA for like...5 days? rolling around on the bed dying from gastric flu. puked 15+ times on saturday. diarrhoea. fever. nausea. couldnt get up at all. until today. i did. and yeah i almost fainted, and yay~ back on to the bed.

my brains are dead. i got nth to say. okay bye. get well soon nicole. and thanks for all the wellwishes on fb (:

DEAR MUM...

2010-11-25T10:42:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY! :D

omma love you lots (: though I don't really express it even as a daughter, but I really do appreciate whatever you do for us! sometimes i wish you took better care of yourself than...just taking care of the rest of the family. mama. i knew things were difficult for you this year. putting people behind you and moving on...but i'm glad we made it over together isn't it? doesn't it feel a teeny weeny sadder to think that every birthday of yours put me nearer to the day that you will leave me? mummy, i love you lots. Your daughter will strive to achieve all those goals and do mummy proud (:

though you won't even be reading this...mummy that's a promise I'll make...

WEEEEE.

2010-11-24T10:36:00.002+08:00

It's been...a few weeks since we've graduated! Life is boring. seriously.

I'VE FOUND A JOB! :D yay more for the experience than the moolah but oh wells i wont mind more though. teehee. working with yingyue at freshness burger! training has yet to start! I bet it's going to be fun learning how to make burgers and stuff. people come and visit k :D

I saw some stuff on facebook and I feel super disturbed! con! LOL. omg i dnt understand why some people like to wear shorts that short when they have _________ legs! its a bit disgusting actually. im anti _______ ________ ___________ ish. anyway. __________ isn't even pretty lorh...she's just...__________ LOL! anyway. none of my business :D weird people.

Going out with valerieeeeee ltr :D its been long since i last saw you! :D yay. lets have fun ltr.

I'm bored. talking about everything under the sky. hmm i shall go watch drama.

P.S glenda here's the update of nicole's wonderful life (:

Just around the bend.

2010-11-04T22:53:00.002+08:00

HAPPY GRADUATION EVERYBODY! ;D congrats and well done for the hard work!

Graduated a few hours ago. Mixed feelings. bleahs! I bet I will miss alot of you ): not that we won't be meeting again but we won't get the chance to hang out like how we can now...

EMILY. KHENGWEE. HUILING. YINGYUE. omg! I will miss you four lots! D: not really as individuals but more of us as a whole. It's been a greatttttttttttttt pleasure knowing you guys and becoming such close friends that I'll never regret! D: miss my whining! ;D i'll miss how you guys can stay up all night crapping and singing (or was it rapping to my humps?) but yes! all those random moments that never fails to make me grin when I think of them. Thank you dearies for the memories! Classmates. Friends. People I rely on. I really thankful for how we were brought together..from mere strangers to as of current! LOVE YOU GUYS LOTS :D don't ever forget to keep in contact yeah (: lots of love.

NAT. LI. SHAN. WEISHAN. hey darlings! i'll miss you guys too (: thanks for being great friends that never fails to buzz around and brighten up my life ;D Although I wouldnt say that we were the closest friends but thanks for being part of my life and making it so memorable ;D special thanks to nat and weishan for the letter and gift (: love (:

SQUADMATES. ALL 16 - PUAYLING. PEITING. JIAJIA. JACINTA. PEIYIN. KHENGWEE. ZIHAN. YIJIA. YANNI. GLENDA. CLARISSA. ALICIA. LYNN. WENXIAN. ESTHER. CON. LOVE YOU GUYS LOTS (: sorry for not writing letters to you guys! but I trust that we will still keep in contact right? ;D squidssssss what do I do without you guys! D: THANK YOU BOBOS FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE, CHEERING ME ON and what more! AH OMG! hao she bu de! D: dont forget your dear fat bobo sqdm over here with whatever hairstyle you call it and however you want to rmb me! (: 10 years from now we shall meet up and laugh over such random things! ISH! SQUADMATESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHAT DO I SAY! ahhh! you guys are the best thing that happened to me since forever! how we are with each other and stuff. AHH LOVE (: KEEP IN CONTACT BOBOS OR I WILL PERSONALLY STRANGLE YOU (: LOTS OF LOVEEEEE (:

MSPMATES - BAOXIAN. SOPHIA. ZHIYUN. QIULUAN. CHERYEE. SHERANNE. VENUS. CON. People I often forget to thank! dearest! jiayou for O-levels! we can do it! (: thanks for always being gay and united as a class and doing all sorts of weirdest things ever! going to burger king tgther~ and stuff! although after olvls we're ttl free from each other! keep in contact yeah! ours msp alumni! hahaha! love you guys lots (: thanks for the memories! ;D

FRIENDS - PAST YEAR CLASSMATES. PLEASURE KNOWING YOU GUYS! esp those really close friends (: happy graduation! wishing you all the best in the future! ;D

NANYANG! thank you for giving me so much. changing me. nurturing me! (: thank you so much. much love ;D i'll miss you lots! D:

G-R-A-D-U-A-T-E-D. omg. such a foreign strange word. ahhh~ It isn't the end. It's just a turn towards another phrase of our life! JUST AROUND THE BEND! (: someday we will meet again and catch up with the past! There's a longgg path ahead of us! Let's take it in our strides (: jiayou everybody! (:

lots of love,
Nicole

Confession of a friend.

2010-10-26T21:09:00.004+08:00

8 days to graduation.

Omg time really flies and we're graduating. Congrats Sec 4 batch'10! Some sort of bittersweet feeling.

Something that happened today made me really ): its like a sudden wave of emoness. Ah. it sucks to see your friends cry no? MSP 4! dearest 8 of you. haha. I never really notice how fond I was of you guys. haha! It's like...we meet once a week but the bond we have is just kinda weirdly strong? haha. It has been a splendid time since sec 1 going through all these tortorous/meaningful/funfilled lessons with you guys. omg i'll miss you guys lots ): its like getting so used to you guys that I've taken you guys for granted! D: Jiayou people for O-levels ;D lets not let our 4 years of 'hard' work go down to drain? yay love you people. and please don't cry dears.

squadmates! one word: love. Love how you guys are with me. Love how I am with you guys. Love how we can totally talk non-stop about nonsense like any old friends. Love how we can totally hate and love each other at the same time. Love how...squadmates~ how can I bear to part with you guys D: same sch but still! we should still meet up yeah :D memories memories. haha I don't know what to add on to squadmates' column. just too much that words cannot say. cliche~

dear classmates. 2 years. haha. esp closer kids. love you guys lots. love how we can be ttl random until 7am in the morning and still go on full speed ahead. love how you guys are totally chicken at horror. love how you guys can totally be oblivious to everything else and remain in your happy bubble (esp to emily and huiling) haha. dearest ;D cute peegs. (: will miss you guys lots~

and people. who I don't even have to mention... yeah. there are some people that I can't just thank enough...isn't it? But I didn't even manage to thank them in time...oh well...

Ah. I'm being weird. the song is getting me messed up. alright. i shall repost another proper graduation post soon. :X alright for now...bye. hehe.

죽어도 못보내 .

2010-10-21T21:56:00.001+08:00

Even though I'm young, the pain is the same
Just because I don't know the world very well
Doesn't mean that I don't know pain

Why do you lie, saying it'll be okay?
How will my heart that hurts this much
Be healed so easily?
How will I live without you?
That's why I

Can't let you go, even if I die
How am I suppose to let you go?
Whether you go or leave, fix my heart
If you can't fix it so that I won't be in pain
So that I can at least live
I wouldn't be able to live anyway
I can't let you go, even if I die

No matter how much you push me away
I'll hold onto you until the end
So that you won't be able to go anywhere

If you're really going to leave, then lie
That we should meet again tomorrow
That we should meet as we smile
If breaking up wasn't a joke, then I

Can't let you go, even if I die
How am I suppose to let you go?
Whether you go or leave, fix my heart
If you can't fix it so that I won't be in pain
So that I can at least live
I wouldn't be able to live anyway
I can't let you go, even if I die

We went through so much time together
How are you telling me to live by myself now?
I can't do that, I can't

I can't let you go, even if I die
I really can't let you go
How am I suppose to let you go?
I can't let you go
Whether you go or leave, fix my heart
If you can't fix it so that I won't be in pain
So that I can at least live
I wouldn't be able to live anyway
I can't let you go, even if I die

Jugeodo mot bonae naega eotteohke neol bonae

Back to life.

2010-10-20T10:27:00.001+08:00

Yay EOYs are over :D back with life. tsk :D class chalet ltr. yay.

READY. STEADY. GO.

2010-10-05T19:02:00.001+08:00

Nicole you know you prepared well for the exams. RIGHT?

Nicole you know you will do really well for the exams. RIGHT?

YES! YOU WILL! SO DON'T WORRY AND TAKE EOYS DOWN :DD

Dead.

2010-09-26T00:03:00.005+08:00

1 day to EOYs malay paper...
11 days to HCL/IH paper...
24 days to end of torture...

Alright. It's not so bad after all... yeah right. stop lying nicole.

I'm currently dying from the lack of happy endorphines ): no shopping. no running. no playing. no slacking.

Gonna run out of batt soon. I need some incentives to study harder and faster :/ like my parents owe me a new handset and sneakers :/ i won't forget okay. I'll send the receipt to you soon :D that will be at least...24 days later...anyway...

3
2
1

Died.

Yay hurray. I'm gna go sleep after mugging malay for 4h straight -.- Congrats on the totally random post. Bye.

Bleahs.

2010-09-20T18:43:00.002+08:00

In one more month... I will be slacking on a marking day :X Jiayou people :l

[ignore]

2010-09-11T23:53:00.003+08:00

So what's left of us? Mere promises that were forgotten and...I don't know. Totally screwed up? I dont even know how to define the kind of friendship there is.

11 days to light up my world. I bet you forgot all about it already.

P.S Why do _______ get everything their way?

Can't believe this.

2010-09-10T00:10:00.003+08:00

After 1 year, I was still revolving around that one point. that one m____. that one song. that one m____. because of that one g____.

Seriously. When will I learn to let go? Yeah when I learn it the hard way I guess...life sucks.

Need you now.

2010-09-04T22:49:00.001+08:00

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I just need you now.

Oh baby I need you now.

OVER.

2010-08-31T23:52:00.005+08:00

我玩够了，也玩腻了，不想玩了。If I told you that would you believe it? Would you even take me seriously? wth is this. I'm sick and tired of trying to make up to you. I need a _________________ and not a ____________ on me. For some weird reasons, I was really fired up about the ________. I really dislike it when people talk about this and that...

Even if 我曾经试过去____, but forget it. Even if I did once. I won't...

我累了。

Which part of that do you not understand? I should have let it rot and die shouldn't I? I should have gave up... I should have just...move on. Other than feeling like I owe you something instead of really ______________... If I told you... you probably think that I'm a _________. So whats the point? Just let me walk out of here untouched and just end whats left of this stupid...

Wouldn't it be better!?

We will go back to the way it used to be...before...we met each other and screwed each other's life. right? yeah RIGHT.

Alright so get the message now...and get out of my life.

Wrong.

2010-08-30T22:34:00.001+08:00

I remember years ago, someone told me I should stay caution when it comes to love...I did.

365 - 7

2010-08-27T15:15:00.008+08:00

Yay I shall finally post about my birthday and the celebrations :D

Hehe so I shall thank everyone in general who wished/facebooked/celebrated/gave me a present/did something/anything and etc for me! :D yay. THANK YOU :D

Yay firstly to thank daddy and mummy for the great dinner celebration on saturday and the pretty and delicious cake that you bought for me! :D thank you uncle aunt cousins nicholas and daddy mummy for being there on saturday! :D thank you jieyi for the really pretty necklace and earrings! thank you kenneth for the really sweetlooking necklace! LOL. thank you daddy mummy for the crumpler :D thank you nick for nothing LOL! alright. I'm used to it alright. LOL. Thanks for offering to help me crack the crab shells then -.- yay! thank you :D love you all lots :D

Next, thank you squadmates! :DD thank you for gathering at KAP after my bioattachment to wish me happy birthday :DD haha special thanks to esther for the double celebration, cake and for organising a meetup with squadmates! :D in random order: thank you peiting for the really pretty booklet! haha i really like the knitted cover! thank you puayling for the notebook its really pretty ;D thank you alicia for the $20 voucher haha that I have not extort from! :D thank you lynn, con, wx, jiajia, cao, glenda, jac and clarissa for the doraemon! :D special thanks to clarissa and glenda for present part ll candies and bear and of course...part lll LOL. if you get what I mean...haha. oh yeah! thank you lynn for reminding me not to miss you! :D haha! yay thanks squids :D love ya. (dno where to insert but yeah -> haha thank you cadets as well for wishing me happy birthday! :D and mmmm yeah thank you areamates and other NPCC friends for randomly sending in your birthday wishes! :D)

Alright thank you classmates! :D I can't remember how many of you but yeah thank you em, yy, kw, hl, nat, shan, li, weishan, la, and whoever else who wasn't there but wished me happy birthday from our class! :DD thank you lotsssssssssss :D haha thank you for the gay cake that you guys designed with...is it safe to say a cartoon drawing of me? haha! thank you for the surprise that sort of failed haha! thank you for the guess wallet :D LOL. thank you em, yy and hl for the performance with 'officially missing you - tamia' hahah esp hl who played the piano :D yay thank you la, weishan and sq for the acapella performance LOL! thank you la and weishan (again) for counting down and wishing me happy belated like at least...3 times each? oh well. hahaha yay :D thanks! :D

Thank you imcb attachment people! :D though I just met you guys for 3 days I'm really happy that you guys impromptu celebrated for me during lunch! :DD yay thanks lots! haha cant possibly name all of you but thank you bench 5 people (limmin, roydon, jereme) for making this experience so unique! thank you nanyang people who went with me on this attachment! :D esther, xinyi and jiaying! thank you to the really funny acsb people, gay andss people, evergreen girls, hci seniors, kcpss people, nygh-ians (haha!), and sngs people! ;DD yay thanks :D and whoever else that made the attachment even better :D

Oh yeah! MSP! :D thank you 8 of you who in some way or another wished me happy birthday! haha. terima kasih! :D Although our class is small we somehow get along with it yeah? :D haha! yay you guys are the best! :D glad you all didnt have to sing the 'confirm-everytime-sing-wrong-lyrics birthday song in malay! :D haha yay jiayou for malay Os :DD

Omg. I just rmb: thank you primary school friends for sending your birthday wishes as well! :D haha jiayou for those with Os :D and hope that our class will still be able to meet up like many years from now :D haha. and that our class outings will be less fail and more people can make it ;D yay alright thanks all :D

Hmm alright. I don't know who to thank already. alright THANK YOU ALL :DDD love lots :D

365 - 7 days to my 17th birthday :D as of currently, I shall remain young and youthful! hahaha :D yay :D

Every heart.

2010-08-23T22:10:00.002+08:00

Distant million stars.

IMPOSSIBLE.

2010-08-22T22:04:00.003+08:00

My illusion, my mistake...

What I hope will be impossible.

One year later I'm still pondering over the same questions. One year later I'm still searching through those memories.

What the shit.

16.

2010-08-20T22:49:00.001+08:00

Yay happy birthday! :D

15.

2010-08-19T21:28:00.004+08:00

Hmm. It's like...2 and a half hour until my 15 year old is totally gone.

Life for this one and a half decade has been full of ups and downs. I mean whos life isnt? I guess just these few years its getting more hilly. People coming and going. Yeah like really leaving. Leaving...this world. i guess...people who changed me. haha. I never really got to thank you guys for all you have done for me right? Often too late...or taken for granted. Sometimes it makes me wonder if death is really that far away...hmm. alright...i should stop this.

Haha....last 2h and 10mins...oh well. time never stops ticking yea :X I shall sleep. and tomorrow when I'm wake up...i'm 16! LOL. wth. alright -.- far-fetched idea.

last day of IMCB SOP tmr. haha. hope it ends with a high note (:

Goal in life.

2010-08-15T00:43:00.002+08:00

Yes. What is it I want in life? Maybe I'm not so sure afterall.

I feel screwed. I feel like I'm cheating your feelings. I don't even know why I'm still like that. 好久了...what happened to me...why aren't I letting go. I don't understand myself...

And those songs...starting to relate again...

I said I put all those behind...I flushed them down my playlist...but yet they're striking me once again...

怎么了...the moment you stepped right back in...everything starts to crumble apart again...

I'm stupid.

2010-08-12T19:22:00.002+08:00

I think I really screwed malay o-levels oral test today. Like wth? I keep stuttering and I keep forming weird sentences that didn't even make sense! I was totally lost at what I was saying and the examiners were like smiling in that kind of 'no worries continue' kind of look that actually means like 'omg say smth or I'm gonna fail you'! Compared to all the other msp classmates mine was totally lacking in content and for the other language component I am totally goners. I couldn't even stop erm-ing and everything! OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I FEEL SUPER SCREWED T^T omg I hate myself very much for this. I came home i started crying like mad coz I notice that oral was about 50% of my grades for Malay Os and how i totally screwed it up? my parents probably just think that I'm asking too much of myself...BUT O-LEVELS! I didn't study 4 years just to get a B3 or smth for Malay...esp not if the rest of the class ace it with A1...AHHHHHHHHHHHH T^T

BIO. I totally screwed up. What was I thinking? From the highest in class to...among the lower band in class!? Wth.

I'M SCREWED AND STUPID. I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I'm ranting about here.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

OMG. I'M SO PISSED AT MYSELF. I'M FUGGING STUPID D< I HATE MYSELF -.- OMG. I'M DAMN IRRITATED. I SHOULD STOP POSTING.

NOW.

Memories?

2010-08-10T21:56:00.002+08:00

What are memories actually? They arent even measurable by mass or any other quantities. They are ultimately nothing. So what difference would it make if I can erase all of them? Save the pain and trouble of being caught in circles by something called memories...in which...is supposingly non-existent. It's just another game played on us...that's all.

It's just...empty spaces that fills up our heart and mind...

Ironic...isn't it?

If only you could see...

2010-08-07T19:16:00.003+08:00

Except you cant. because you wont, dnt want to and everything else. You got yourselves isolated from all this crap and left everything to me. good job. i hate you. you pig fat evil mean pig/liar/asshole )<

You got me questioning what the last 1 year meant. What difference it has made just over a month. Questions. Yes. Thats all I got stucked in my head now. Left unanswered. because you wouldnt come forth to dissolve the wall you've built around yourself.

I don't understand. I really don't. Did you really mean for this to happen? Do you think it would have made me feel better in any sense? Please...Dissolve the wall and ___________...

Soledad.

2010-08-07T10:52:00.002+08:00

Had crosscountry yesterday. 3.2km sian. now i feel old. oh well. sec 2s and 3s must run yea -.- we overtook them like very soon after we set off. anyway. yay ran with sqdms :D tai hao wan le. im glad i ran with u guys. glenda the peeg ran so fast and the rest of us got stucked behind. eventually we caught up ;D thanks jac and zihan for setting the fast pacing. LOL. thanks khengwee peiting con and caoji? and yanni? if they were there behind for the support. haha. yay then student helper sqdms and competitive runner sqdms were at the end (almost the end part) cheering for us. but oh well. i died soon after frm stitches -.- but im glad I didnt stop before that. thank you to cadets for cheering us on as well. haha. funny. haha laughs at kw's enthusiasm over top 50 badge (: yay sqdms pwnzx.

went to dingtaifung with classmates. ;D talked about funny and scary stuff. tsk. thanks to shan's story im scared I hearing marbles at night again. sian. haha. now i've found out im not the only paranoid one! haha! poof. xiao long pao is nice. (:

went out with jieyi after celebrating uncle's birthday. haha. thanks dear. :D been fun shopping and fenging around with you :D hope you like your gift hoho. :D nice to see you smile and laugh like the old times again :D love ya lots :D ♥ teehee.

Some songs just make more sense after sometime...when the message sinks in.

If only you could see the tears in the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart just one more time
Even when I close my eyes
There's an image of your face
And once again I come to realise
You're a loss I can't replace

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Walking down the streets of Nothingville
Where our love was young and free
Can't believe just what an empty place
It has come to be
I would give my life away
If it could only be the same
Cause I can't still the voice inside of me
That is calling out your name

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Time will never change the things you told me
After all we're meant to be love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory live on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

I wish you would answer the question. Pig.

Visiting the past.

2010-07-30T21:22:00.002+08:00

Just a few lines that striked me.

Anyway...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA! (: LOVE YA LOTS. I wish things turned out better for you last time...turn out well now....even better in the future. (: thank you for being there all the while and yeah...for being such an adorable sqdm and exclassmate and exfellownco and onceateamcaptain and oncemyteammember as well (: LOL! HAPPY 16TH DEAR! your birthday present will come...soon! haha. too busy with work. sian. haha love you lots! happy birthday once again! :D

just another person to put up a smile for.

Friends?

2010-07-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

Ultimately who's going to face the consequences of this pile of...rubbish? I really hate how people who are totally not related to this issue is dragged into the situation and...I don't know...get all troubled all over it? Do you know how stupid this all seems? You're so selfish to think for only yourself. you feel the comfort when you're with her. then what abt her to you? Does she necessarily have to feel the same way? She totally don't know what to do. and its so freaking obvious that she rather just take a backseat with the rest of us. seriously. don't just grab the nearest innocent ones into the stupid commotion. it just makes you appear desperate. I don't know. Don't care. And shall remain as a domant volcano unless provoked so.

Things that happen nowadays really got me thinking who exactly are your friends. And yeah. if the one who you've always been with is actually a true friend. And yeah if they might just turn around and stab you in the back or worse still just walk away like they never knew you.

Bleahs. Human and their lousy nature.

ARGH!

2010-07-19T22:00:00.003+08:00

I typed...a really really long post about POP. and guess what? when i was about to post it....it says...

ERROR

and there went all my efforts and feelings I put in to writing the post T^T being so fail...i shall try again...another day.... -.-

It wasn't what I planned.

2010-07-11T14:51:00.001+08:00

The pain that rips your insides.

No it's definitely not what I planned...

Take it all...I don't want it.

2010-07-10T23:47:00.003+08:00

Maybe I've already expected for all these to happen...

(yesterday - leona lewis)
I just cant believe your gone
Still waitin for mornin to come
When I see if the sun will rise, in the way that your by my side
Well we got so much in store
Tell me what is it im reaching for
When were through building memories ill hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds, or least where the story goes
I never believed untill now
[ Yesterday lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
I know il see you again im sure
No its not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day one more smile on your face
But they cant take yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever
But it wasnt our destiny
Cause in my mind we had so much time, but I was so wrong
No I can believe that
I can still find the strengh in the moments we made
Im lookin back on yesterday

Haha yeah...future? nah. there's no such thing.

What's true may not be true afterall...

2010-07-05T18:15:00.003+08:00

May it be - Enya

Hmm...I just finished watching LOTR again. I enjoyed the movie so many years ago and I still do. Hmm...the movie is pretty (: i like the casting alot. hehe.

Somehow there's much left to think and ponder about. How many ________ can I trust. Who. How. Maybe I don't really know now. What's true. What isnt. I wish everyone would stay here with me but...it's just impossible isn't it? I ask myself 'who...why? why should you? when I'm a nobody.' To you. Not you to me. I be confused and sad D:

What counts if I can seal myself from the rest of the world.

Stay a little longer.

2010-07-03T22:40:00.003+08:00

Fate.

Happy father's day!

2010-06-20T12:58:00.001+08:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DADDY! <3 LOVE YOU :D

Concerns.

2010-06-12T15:35:00.005+08:00

I don't know if this blog post will make me sound like a stalker or something but I guess I should say it even if you won't read it. I'll take it as some...reflection sort of thing...okay...

Being in NP for 4 years changed me a lot, from some childish kid who whines over the smallest matter to someone who actually leads the rest of the unit. Transition wasn't easy. Nothing was easy. Even spending that 3 years fighting alongside my squadmates weren't easy...maybe not fighting alongside...but all the bickering...and random moments. I guess it's really different after being used to all the care and protection you can get from your NCOs to like total self-independence?

I guess I wasn't exactly the kind of cadet that shines in the limelight... I wasn't the kind who does everything best. I wasn't the kind that gets picked as the best representative for some competition or through an interview. Until now, I don't think I'm really that good an NCO not to mention a training head or a super spontaneous functions member...haha...of course...screwing up campcraft comp and shooting comp...for like...the last time? haha nyct'10, nyst'10.

It's going to be difficult on all of you and I know maybe i shouldn't start talking about this as if I understand. Because the truth is I've never been in a ___________. So it's very different..But I wish for all of you to treasure that one last year you got together and for once put aside all those difference...and work together. It's going to be difficult...but quick. It'll be over soon. Is that relieving to hear? Or sad? (Haha. Until now I haven't made up my mind.)

__, I never been much of a ___________ to you all. I wasn't the best role model. I wasn't the best __________. But for once... ______________________________________... I tried to make it better...I will too. Promise.

Fill in the blanks yourselves. You do know the answer. It's whether you want to put in the effort to think about it or not.

Love,
Your ____________.

P.S I do pin high hopes on every single one of you...

When the music stops.

2010-06-09T21:41:00.001+08:00

When the music stops, I would stop pouring my heart out to you. I would stop _____________.

SCREWED.

2010-06-03T20:31:00.003+08:00

Today was .22 Prelims...

jiayou to team 1. I guess team 2 won't be joining you for shooting practices anymore. Jiayou and bring the trophy back again!

To nyst team 2:
Though everyone seemed to 'not mind', I guess in our hearts we really wanted to get into finals and win. Shooting is a very individual thing unlike CT where everyone pitch as a team and what you get is more like a team effort. Shooting counts on that one precise second before you release the bullet from the revolver. I guess we just mis...judged? Eish. I guess we just...got super...uptight before the comps...and screwed up...shuo dao zuo dao. I guess we didn't really hit the red circle target. I hope...that all of us...won't be too...upset...over....it.... :/ argh ): I feel quite dui bu qi ting who shot...relatively well? and puayling and jiexi since its their first shooting comp. I'm so sorry that its screwed up ): sian.

I just noticed that I didnt really reflect on nyst'09 and nyct'10. I guess I killed myself directly after the comps :X AHHH SIAN T^T i'm screwing up my np life ): when there's only

2

MORE

MONTHS!

I'm screwed.

The name I loved.

2010-06-01T20:51:00.000+08:00

The name I loved once in this life...

Waiting.

2010-05-30T20:49:00.004+08:00

I was waiting...and then it hit me.

Nothing was going to happen. What I've wished for will not come true.

And it has been so since I've decided not to reply that night.

WITHOUT A TRACE.

2010-05-25T21:15:00.005+08:00

I don't know whats going on with me. Everything is weird and off-focus. I don't even know what I'm doing.

I hate my life seriously. Okay whatever. you might think 'oh well your problems are so small and tiny. who cares? don't compare to me.' i guess it depends on each individual? What is important to me doesnt necessarily have to be important to you. What hurts my feelings will naturally differs.

I don't think i deserve all these shit. seriously. ___________________________. it doesnt matter if I _____ all the while for your one drop of tears. you say no one cares about you. you say no one ______ you. How about _________? Then what am I? I'm not even a 'who'. -.-

I probably sound dramatic and overlyemotional over nothing. Maybe your perceptions of me are just shallow, emotional and a waste of time. Whatever. I'm sick of changing to suit people's supposing 'taste'.

I feel so freaking annoyed at you and I don't even know how to tell you. ' hey i know we used to be best friends but now everything sucks. okay. just ____ off. i _____ you' Okay is that what i'm supposed to say to you? Don't even get me started. Do you even know how much i've given in to ________ you? maybe you've just taken it for granted.

I was just thinking: Maybe if I explode one day. all of you might treat me more seriously and maybe for once just shut up and listen to me. Seriously who am I to you and who are you to me?

Yeah actually I know the answer. You're my _____ best friend.

Who.

2010-05-23T21:08:00.002+08:00

Am I.

Or is it more like...who made me who I am today?

Why does it appear that the people who seems to be changing me, the ones that 'touch and go' in my life. The ones that I can vividly remember. The ones that _______ me and then just...

보고 싶다.

____________________________________

Where are you when I need you?

어떡해?

Everything's changing. And ___________.

ONE.

2010-05-17T20:54:00.002+08:00

回到各自属于你的地方.

2010-05-17T18:17:00.002+08:00

Yes. Let everything return to how it's been before all this. It's time to take you out of this dream that I allowed you into.

不属于你的始终不会属于你. I've given you so much and that's the max. I'm going to take them all back. You will never belong here. You never did. Because __________ and I'm not going to let you take it from me.

I never thought that I would say this...not to you but somehow this few weeks you're really _____. tsk. Friends come and go, no? I guess it's about time you move on and give me what I've loan you all this while.

母亲节快乐！

2010-05-08T23:50:00.004+08:00

Happy mother's day mummy! (: I love you! Hope you like the bouquet I got you (:

EVIL.

2010-05-03T19:10:00.003+08:00

About this entire thing. Aiya. I thought about it for so many weeks already and i can't seem to find the best solution out of this.

I'm really pissed. Really irritated. And really feel like killing this person. But oh well. Since I'm nicole...I shall try and act like nothing's going on and hopefully not offend anyone or else I might get picked on. and when I'm picked on i get even more pissed and then i'll offend more people. and it's just a stupid vicious cycle.

I'M IRRITATED.

How would you feel if your _______ happens to be the one who ____ your friends? omg -.- what the shit ): I FEEL LIKE SHOUTING 'I WAS HERE FIRST' but then yet again -.- will anyone care? omg. I'm so irritated! POOFIE! -.-

HOPEFULLY. no one will understand wth I'm talking about. Because you see. If you do. you probably think that I'm very _____. yeah. if you understand you probably know how to fill in that blank. It's just that i cant stand it when people _______ you more than ______ and when i know so much more than that. Unknowingly I started to have this ___________ thingy with you and wanting to be _______ than you because I know you aren't actually that _______. IT'S LIKE OMG -.- WHY AM I _________ THAN YOU!? I work harder. I try harder. AND I'M _________!!

WHY DO YOU GET EVERYTHING -.- (Suddenly. someone else pop into my mind...and I'm getting more fired up.) GREAT. -.- life sucks. I know a bunch of irritating people who gets alot of _________ stuff when they don't deserve it!

EVIL.

You know what. If your ________ is better than mine. I'm going to. KILL. myself. -.-

Habit.

2010-05-02T20:19:00.001+08:00

Perhaps I've gotten use to it...until it seems like it doesn't really matter anymore. Does it?

미안해.

2010-04-23T21:44:00.003+08:00

But today just once ):

不痛.

2010-04-22T20:52:00.004+08:00

I dread _____ and ______ more than I ever expected.

I want to win as a team again but I don't know. things seem so ______. Why should I care about how other people view me and perceive me? But the thing is I do and it sucks to ___________ again and _______ all over again. I don't have the strength to go through all this again and I really feel like this is going no where but where it's started. If I was given another chance, the answer would be no. It would have been easier if I didn't become ________ involved in all this. But I did. And now everything is in a mess and I don't even know how to clear all this up.

'_____________' Don't. To. Me. I'm _________. I can't give you ________. I cant but I already did and I think it's time things come to an end. Except I can't bring myself to do it.

I hate to admit it but I do and it's confusing me...

I feel so freaking messed up over everything and everything is messing me up. I don't even know how to prioritise like last time. I feel so lost and everything.

承諾常常很像蝴蝶美麗的飛盤旋然後不見...

WISHES.

2010-04-17T22:22:00.006+08:00

I wish that one day, you would tell me that you're sorry.
I wish that one day, you would tell me that you didnt mean it.
I wish that one day, you would tell me that what you've said was not true.

Did you think that it doesnt matter? It does...or I won't be thinking about it all the time. whatever you've said. I can act like I don't care...I dont _____... but I do. And it sucks that you don't know.

I read through all those smses and asked myself what really mattered then and what really matters now. I searched through all those memories...to bring nothing but ____... why? ): why did everything change so freaking much... why did everyone everything become like that. ): it's so damn screwed. Why did I act like nothing was wrong. If I told you...would everything been different?

What mattered then was just so superficial and...shallow. but now i really wish that you would __________________. i wish you would _______________.

I'M SO SICK OF WAITING AND WAITING! FOR NOTHING.

IWISHYOUKNOWHOWIFELTABOUTTHEENTIRETHING.IWISHYOUWOULDNTJUSTTR
EATMELIKEA_________.IWISHYOUWOULD_________.IWISHIWOULDNTBE______
__.IWISHFORTHEIMPOSSIBLES.

I SHOULD STOP wishing because you're not ____________. and its just life.

and you probably ____ me more than I can ever ____ you.

Give my love.

2010-04-16T20:21:00.001+08:00

And I can do nothing to keep you.

Memories.

2010-04-10T22:37:00.001+08:00

Ah yes. I remember ______ that reminds me so much of you.

why why.

Life sucks.

2010-04-06T21:47:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm an easy gateway for you... I got you into everything. and I got you past everything. and yet nothing. you just make me feel stupid and redundant.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

2010-04-01T17:23:00.001+08:00

Happy birthday squadmates! (: we're 3 (or is it 4?) years old! :D yay~

nothing.

2010-03-27T20:47:00.001+08:00

I don't need you to _____ me like you used to... just don't treat me like a stranger...will you?

Come back.

2010-03-26T21:25:00.005+08:00

It's always been you writing those letters to me and I've never thought that for once...I would have to write one to you.

I don't know if you will read this...I don't know if you will care...I don't know even if I sms you this...email you this...msn you this...you will respond to me...

I really really really don't want us to drift apart ): you promised you won't let that happen ): you promised! D: but somehow this few weeks...(even months?) i feel like all this promises that you've once made doesnt matter anymore... it may...to me. but nothing to you? I may not talk about it...but that doesn't mean I've never appreciated you by my side.

I don't want you change ): but...I guess you believe otherwise... After you came back...everything just seem so different...I felt that you've never actually come back... what about everything you've said before you left? did you forget? ): you said you would be back really soon and tell me not to be upset or anything... isn't your 'really soon' really long? ): I've waited and waited and all I get is...bit and pieces of eveything. everything thats not completed.

I don't know how you feel about this...I never knew but I want to. I always wanted to but you will never tell me the truth. Why does everything have to be so complicated in the first place? ): I feel like I'm the only one trying to stay aboard the sinking ship and you've already given up hope... I feel like I'm the only one trying...only one.

What happened to you? ): You've said you will always be here but now when I need you, you're no where near. You've said it sucks to see me cry, but now when I'm crying, you don't care anymore. You suck seriously. What made you change so much? ): what made you treat me like this? ): why are you ignoring me? ): why are you...argh D:

I hate it. I want you to come back ): so even if I plea with all my heart and tears...would you even care? Come back...write me a letter...even if its the last thing you would do for me...

Forgotten.

2010-03-25T20:55:00.002+08:00

The bell jar is closing in on me...but where are you?

Does that sound familiar? Or have you already forgotten? I need you ): really.

DISGUSTING.

2010-03-24T19:11:00.009+08:00

I can't believe how blunt and insensitive some people can get.

crushed...is that the word you used? half-done shelter? tent? wth. woman. Crushed? you wish. halfdone? you wish. tent? oh man i didnt know we were pitching one! you know. a woman can sit around and wish alot but sadly it won't come true (:

screamed like shittt. yeah nice to know that you know that you're being insensitive. it was like...what's the word you've used? euphoria? you must been really happy then! i'm so happy for you!

but be happy for now...next time...you won't be so lucky next time! ;D

You know what. I love your post a lot. why? O: BECAUSE YOU GOT ME STIRRED UP TO WORK HARDER AND TRASH YOU! ;D TRASH~ YAY RUN AROUND THE BIN! ;D

THANKS DEARIE! OH AND...congrats ;D and watch the orange words...they're too glaring for my eyes (:

lastly, fuck you (:

Shining Star.

2010-03-23T21:18:00.002+08:00

pretty song D:

1, 2, 3, 4, again 1, 2, 3, 4
Stars, I'm going crazy

No matter how many times I look at you, I can't see you, oh baby
Because of the tears in my eyes, all because of you
My crying face that is reflecting above the spread letters, oh baby
I promised myself I wouldn't cry again, but I'm crying again

What do I do, I don't know what to do, what to do
This is me, I don't know why I'm going crazy like this
All because of you, really because of you
I can't do anything, I

Love you as much as the stars, stars, stars, stars
I came for you to find you, you're that far shining star
Stars, stars, stars, no matter what I say
I really can't express myself
I'm frustrated now, what should I do now

No matter how many times I count, I can't see the end, oh baby
Because of all the memories that are in my heart, I think of you again
I couldn't say everything I wanted to so I say them to myself, oh baby
I want you back, I want to go back to your side

I'm pleading to you, please, I'm pleading to you
To the sky, my prayer goes to the sky
Cheer me up, cheer me up
Please, where are you now

Stars, stars, stars, stars, talk to me
Is it over? Is that it? Answer me, don't just laugh
Stars, stars, stars, stars, I'm pleading to you
Just for once, my love
Let me fly to your side

Star, star, star, ooh baby, star, star, star, oh

I love you as much as the stars, stars, stars, stars
I came for you to find you, you're that far shining star
Stars, stars, stars, no matter what I say
I really can't express myself
I'm frustrated now, what should I do now

心。

2010-03-21T15:00:00.002+08:00

心，不由自主地在胸腔里上下乱撞。

CT2010

2010-03-20T16:33:00.001+08:00

It's over. Should I be glad or upset?

Glad, because I'm finally released from this heavy heavy expectation and pressure...this committment...or upset because ct life is all over and no matter how I've regretted...nothing will change it?

I can't say that team 2 did exceptionally well or really bad. I believe that if we've tried our best...then that's that. I trust that everyone of us wanted to try their best and win. everyone can say 'its not winning that matters.' but in the end what actually upsetted us...what actually matters...was it the experience or peter szeto yee (in this case coming in 7th)...or what? it doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm a competitive freak or something, but I really wanted to win...even if its just fulfilling the secret goal that team 2 set...I seriously felt...super fail and disappointed...

Aish.

Despite the disappointment in results, thank you team 2 (and team 1 for the short period of time) for the memories you all have given me in the whole NYCT'10 experience. thank you for all those little presents and messages (: they were very heartwarming (:

sponge~

tattered and torn.

REGRETS.

2010-03-15T20:05:00.004+08:00

Aish. OMG I seriously hope that we could have gotten closer sooner instead of regretting it now! D: they sounded so sad and I don't know...all the memories and everything...aish D: i hope that we could have had more practices together and time working together for the drums performance! maybe that would have given us time to talk to each other... I don't know. on the malay extravangenza night...I thought that we were like...totally...horrible hosts? we didn't even bother about them! all we cared about was running the show! ... RUNNING THE STUPID SHOW THAT...THAT WE'RE GRADED FOR!? it became so meaningless!? D: WE DIDNT EVEN HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY BYE?! D: ITS SO...AHHHHH T^T saya berasa sangat sedih kerana walaupun mereka ialah lelaki, mereka juga berasa amat sedih! it's like...SO SAD! aish. I wish we can have just ONE more practice...to tie things up nicely... ): aish...
If you would just stop giving me false hope...if you would stop glancing at me...if you would just stop.

sadness.

2010-03-05T20:21:00.004+08:00

Just don't read this post if you don't really want to.

Aish. Term 1 is over. Today's the last day. but why do i feel so D:?

I guess it's not just one person or one reason sort of thing. There's so many things to think about D: __________, ct, stress, homework, block tests, _____ ___ and stuff...sigh. This post isn't directly pointed to anyone so yeah...

khengwee! D: i miss you so much ah! D: get well soon and come back to school kay? D: I can't do so many things without you! D: sob. I called but you were sleeping ): aish. felt so ______ without you ): aish. get well soon! so we can complain abt random stuff, go to sqd table tgther, walk to lessons tgther, lash tgther, lalala and take class photo! D: WHY YOU NEVER COME D: must get better okay D: huggie!

Aish. somehow today so many things happened. I noticed that __________ are people who will never neglect and forget you. Somehow today when khengwee wasn't there I felt a whole lot different. When I needed someone...somehow I couldn't find anyone. It felt really bad ): I felt seriously _________ and _________ ... seriously...it sucked.

About the whole _____ thing, I don't know but it seemed as though you people are choosing based on __________...and yes i was very upset over it okay but yah maybe you all failed to notice that. I don't think I'm the only one. How do you think I will feel if everyone else is chosen...but I'm not? I doesn't mean that I don't cry means I don't care...

On to another issue...

I think I will cry when it ends D: how...? Aish...I don't know ____ ____ but somehow...I feel exceptionally upset over this...It's such a one-off thing D: but somehow I feel that I will ____ ____ alot D: WHY! Am I getting abit too emotionally involved in all of this!? aish!

Everything is so damn messy and there's no one there to help. Those who once were...aren't there anymore...or maybe...it's just because everything changed? I really don't know ): Why did all this happen in the first place? Everything is just splitting apart... We once said we won't drift apart isn't it...and then all this happened...it just leaves me feeling very tired and stranded.

I really feel like shit. seriously...

and I don't think those tears were sufficient to express my fustration and upsetness.

I feel seriously upset over all this crappe. except no one will really understand isn't it? EVERYTHING IS JUST WRONG WRONG WRONG! T.T WHY IS EVERYTHING LIKE THAT T.T I really feel like giving up on all this things...I really feel like becoming inmune to all this others got to say...I really feel like becoming numb and ignorant....becoming senseless and feelingless...

hatred? except I can't say I hate any of you...kills to know the people who hurts you most are the people you call 'close' to you...

jongkey.

2010-03-01T21:38:00.002+08:00

haha nice try key! :D LOL he looks damn tong ku! 'and my...(hehe) girls?' :D jonghyun so cute kyaaaa! :D

glad.

2010-02-28T15:03:00.001+08:00

I feel so 欣慰 after reading some stuff :D

NYCT'10!

2010-02-27T18:26:00.006+08:00

yay well done nyct'10! ;D i'm so proud of team 2! :DD yay~ jiayou jiayou! :D

now i've got a pretty box of pretty things :DD thank you squids for the presents and cards. thank you ma'am for the card and thank you cadets for the present and card! I didn't expect t1 43 to give me a card O: haha anyway, thank you! :D

sponge~! i'm super happy :D

Aish.

2010-02-22T21:14:00.001+08:00

Close those eyes and let the tears roll.

...

2010-02-15T23:20:00.000+08:00

No matter how I've changed, you just can't see it, right?

Why are you like that?

CAIQING.

2010-02-15T11:56:00.004+08:00

CAOJI! D: I THOUGHT CAIQING WAS ON 28 FEB T.T I shall try getting cikgu to let me off drums training on wednesday so can lian zhanjiao with jacinta or we're gonna die D: SQUISH~ hopefully with the kind of good normal time practice we have we can succeed without losing balance and with the shi D: ahhhhhh!

my parents decided to order shi this year since its probably my last year wu-ing shi! D: we didnt even have much dalt training this year! we're going to die D: aish. jiayou to my dear shitous :X

THOUGHTS.

2010-02-14T22:07:00.005+08:00

Dont try understanding what I've got to say... i don't even bother to piece my thoughts out.
part? half? tears? attention? forgot? slipped? pain? silence? why? confused? songs? lyrics? emotions? reminded? why? who? you? time? hate?
aish. thoughts.

SAD SONGS D:

2010-02-14T13:11:00.001+08:00

Why are the songs so pretty but sad? D:

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND VALENTINE'S TO ALL :DD

2010-02-14T11:52:00.003+08:00

Everyone is bai-nianing except my family don't really have such a habit to visit so many people O: haha dad good going. give me such a thick angbao (like...50 notes thick?) this year -.- except thick angbao not equal to more money yah~ haha dont think u can cheat me! >D anyway...

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND VALENTINE'S TO ALL :DD

hehe :D

TALENT!

2010-02-13T12:06:00.002+08:00

omg he's so talented! D:

RELAPSE.

2010-02-07T19:41:00.003+08:00

The last thing I want this year is to have what happened last year to happen to me again. Seriously, I think if it happens again, I doubt I can take it anymore. I'm pissed, irritated and disgusted by myself. I've never really recovered from it, did I? To think that I had...

I don't want to sink any deeper because there isn't anyone to pull me out this time...and I won't surface again. Don't want to think what will happen after that. _____. Ha. Maybe it isn't so far away anymore. Yet again...maybe it's the only way out.

STOP.

2010-02-07T17:20:00.005+08:00

I feel so freaking screwed today.

SHESH.

2010-02-05T20:28:00.004+08:00

I'm so damn pissed at my buddy today!

WHY IS SHE SO DEMANDING? All she wants is vanessa's buddy, zuojun. Everything also must do together? I can plan to eat with myfriends, she ends up wanting to eat with vanessa, her buddy and her friends! its so irritating! wth? tmr. i've planned so hard for us to have an outing with ke er and her buddy. Why can't she just accept it? Instead of making me looking like some bad guy? Instead of sulking about it? It's not like I never tried arranging with Vanessa to go out together. Cannot mean cannot what. I'm like so damn busy on saturdays? I put everything aside to go out with you and plan all this crap!? All you do is come from shandong and tell me 'I WANT TO GO WITH ZUOJUN!' SERIOUSLY. SHESH.

I was so freaking pissed off that I just walked off during lunch and after LA lessons. wth? did you even notice how pissed I was? Maybe you didn't notice it because I tried so hard to control my emotions. I'm so irritated! You can just choose to wait for vanessa and her buddy and just disappear from behind me? SERIOUSLY. tell me the aims and objectives of GCP? To come here and talk and play with your friend that you've known for 9 years? I thought it was a chance for you to experience singapore's culture? No? So if YOU want SOOOO MUCH to go with zuojun and vanessa, tmr I can just send you to join them? then in school I pull up a table and chair beside zuojun. lunch i go eat with my squadmates you eat with vanessa and her buddy. Everything just do with them? Stop asking me where is zuojun and vanessa. I seriously don't want to care already. SHESH. i'm damn irritated.

Now i'm just plastering a smile on my face and speaking crap chinese to you. I'm so damn tired of you. Why are you such a __________? You know what, I have my own friends I want to go to, my own friends I want you to meet too, but all you want to do is hang out with your friends, stay in your comfort zone, i really hate this. I'm a person too. Why does everything have to go your way? You can't just go everywhere demanding everything to be done your way. Can you?

Now I just feel like ignoring you for the rest of the week. Do you even know that? I can plan everything and you don't even appreciate it...

I AM SO PISSED.

Do you think you know me? Then think again. You don't even know me. You dont' know anyone by the name nicole. The one one you know is min yi. and min yi in my world doesn't exist.

Buddies (:

2010-02-04T19:20:00.002+08:00

My buddy from shandong, weihai is here! (: yay it's nice to see her and the rest of them again (: feels really nice~ haha! aish but sometimes it kind of awkward...like speaking chinese to her and then having so much problems translating some stuff so that they can understand!

Saturday I'll have to bring her out! (: teehee fun~ too bad i have to leave for tuition for 2h halfway ): KE ER! MUST TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY BUDDY OKAY? ;D jiao gei ni le! (:

Omg this post is so random :X

Me and khengwee did a 2-man flag pitch today. so cool~ haha.

Sick.

2010-01-28T21:16:00.003+08:00

I'm sick D: Headache yesterday. Felt like dying. Vomitted my dinner out. Went to school today. Watch some gross movie for LA lecture with blood and bombs everywhere and felt like puking again. Whole day felt like dying. Went home. Did homework. Now I feel like dying again. Aish.

I don't want to be sick....not in that sense... ): aish you won't understand what i mean unless you know what i mean. ): aish. sick. ):

IRRITATING.

2010-01-26T20:48:00.002+08:00

I'm damn pissed at a few people. I don't know but some people really gets on my nerves.

Firstly, I can't get people who complains that they are not acknowledged when they should be because everyone else is. Personally, I don't want to share this with you. Why should I? You're not as good as me and the rest? Are you? Even if you are, so what? your attitude towards this whole things is just disgusting. I hate it when you don't even show that you care. All you do is laugh it off? Irritating. If you want to be acknowledged, then why aren't you showing pride in it? Instead of making you climb the stairs like the rest of us, you're taking the lift. What else do you want? Seriously. Irritating.

Secondly, I can't get people who gets everything to themselves? not that I'm being 'chi bu dao pu tao shuo pu tao suan' or smth but then sometimes, do they actually deserve the credit to everything? No? And the worst is, its not like people are the ones thinking that they deserve it, but they think they do. Irritating. And when people happen to boost their ego, they order others around? Disgusting.

On another note, I hate it when people interrupts when I'm doing my own stuff? Or at least things that are under my control? I hate it. Absolutely hate it. When I'm pissed, someone comes in and interrupts me? when that person does not have anything to do with the situation? Not only that the way they speak....the way they stand. seriously. It sucks to know that I'm about to share the same 'acknowledgement' as you. Whatever I do = you do? No? You did nothing at all.

It's like. I try to close my eyes and act as if I cannot see a lot of things but some stuff is like thrown directly into my face. How can I ignore it? And its worse when I'm not giving the 'authority' to tell you off because I'm no more senior than you? But sometimes, its so irritating that I feel that it doesnt matter if I take it out on you? Because you deserve it? omg. your attitude sucks.

ON THE OTHER HAND, clarissa, khengwee and I (and lumjia for guyline) pitched flag in 6.30! :DD thats even faster than the last record of 6.48 by me, shuning and erntian! :D teehee. today's pitch are super nice :D all around 7mins? except for the hemp duan4 one! :D full pitch was 10mins plus! :D except the hemp duan4 one :/ yay~ :DD so happy :D

I seriously sound like some crazy person with moodswings :X this is random but....SHOULD I GO FOR SHINEE AUTOGRAPHY SESSION? D:

Aish. So many things to do in sec 4. sian D: jiayou jiayou everyone! :D

again and again.

2010-01-25T20:43:00.001+08:00

Again and again. the lyrics are quite D:

sad day.

2010-01-24T19:59:00.008+08:00

Today is such a sad day. aish.

________, cheer up okay! D: squadmates will always be there for you D: -hugs-

we will always be behind you...promise (:

we love you! <3

Why.

2010-01-21T19:57:00.002+08:00

I was looking forward to it. I was. And when you did, you changed. So then...why did you come back?

5 days and still counting...

KEY! <3

2010-01-18T20:33:00.001+08:00

teehee omg i love key's rapping in love letters (:

JONGHYUN! <3

2010-01-18T20:27:00.002+08:00

omg i love jonghyun :D

Take a bow.

2010-01-17T17:17:00.001+08:00

Baby I deserve more than empty words and promises...

2009.

2010-01-17T12:09:00.001+08:00

I've decided to copy and paste my reflection for last year in this blog (:

2009.

The year didn't exactly start well. My grandpa passed away. Tears and all gone. Aish. I guess...I remember how it hurts to see my relatives crying. Ones that are close to me. especially jieyi. Both of us grew up a lot and I've always been the one crying. And i rather it be that way. It hurts like crap to see you cry and wouldnt stop ): Cheer up kay? Things aren't going well for you...but it will pass...love you (:

306 was a good thing i guess. I've met new friends. Classmates that are close to me that aren't just squadmates who revolve around me 24/7. (: thanks khengwee, yingyue, emily, huiling, jinyi, natalie, huishan, weishan etc. for all the things you have done for me this year (: I've been very happy (: hehe thanks to all those memories~ thanks for celebrating my birthday in front of the class yah (: yingyue thanks for the cake! thanks for the presents! thanks for always being there for me! (: thanks 306~ 406'10 ftw!

CNY. wu shi for the first time (: hai disappointed that i didn't have a chance to wu with jacjac ): jacjac dont be scared of wu-ing shi okay! you got your shiwei behind you! (literally too -.-) yay when you learn how to wu shi properly then we can tiaotiao tgther and do fantastic stunts k! jiayoujiayou! (: wo men xing de! khengwee! though you cant tiaotiao on me but u're still my dearest shi tou (: class caiqing was the best~ haha jiayou~ nxt yr caiqing. dno if it will be successful...but I hope I can wu with both of you. (:

OBS. Disappointed that I wasnt in the same group as rebecca, emily and khengwee? I dont regret now that I think of it. memories for obs is the best :DDD hehe bring smiles to my face everytime I think of it (: (hint hint jinyi) amundsen oy! :D

IPST scholarship. I'm really lucky to get it. aish.

Chem Ecar Competition. Icemo got into Top 5 in nanyang (: we represented nanyang in ngeeann poly comp. Sadly we didnt win ): but the other 306 group did! (: grats. icemo all the way~!

NPDP. Was flag bearer with ma'ams and peiting. (: haha it was a new experience (: felt so cool doing hormat for national anthem hoho. xD I guess the best day of every year is NPDP bah! feels so cool wearing full-u for one whole day although its super hot and sweaty! (: yay nynp! (:

Dalt Dinner. Last dalt dinner with ma'ams. Probably the last one too.

NYST2. Amelia ma'am, alicia, wenxian, glenda and me. Sadly we came in 4th only ): hai. I screwed finals. I hate the reason why. I feel srsly damn sorry for ma'am and sqdms because my two-digit score totally killed our team...or we could have gotten first... ): sorry...i shouldn't have let myself lose concentration...

UGBC. Champion. Jiajia, glenda and me (: thanks for the support always (: the practices we had together are wonderful memories (: haha.

STC'09. Barney. Things changed for me. Met new people who changed alot of things...

POP'09. 40 ma'ams left. Sqdms and I took over the unit. New NCO post: 42 Training head, functions member. Things didn't go well at first....squad conflict...different opinions...aish....i'm glad it was all over. And I'm very happy for my post. (: I hope everyone else is too. haha...

NCOTC. thank you ma'ams once again for all the valuable comments (: hehe squids ku de shi hou hao ke pa :X aish. jiayou 41! (: half more year to go~ ke yi de (: yay~ 41 ftw!

Scolded unit for the first time. Wasn't as easy as it seemed.

End of School term 09. Shandong trip. Met another group of people who made my life more enjoyable! (: Shandong group 4! :D Clarissa, Ke er, Alicia, Amanda, Weimin~

In December, something happened. changed my point of view of alot of things. I don't think I have forgiven them. And don't think I would...in the near future. Things changed. I hope you noticed.

NYCT'10! was in team 1...now in team 2. Seriously, I have yet to feel a sense of belonging to team 2. I feel like...I'm hanging in midair belonging to no team...I want to go back ): I know I do. But because I know the reason for the change...I cannot ignore it...aish. lasher. I wanted that role...but I wanted my ____ more ): sigh. things changed...jiayou...nyct...I just don't know which team to cheer for...

This year, I've changed a lot. personality and stuff...I don't want to change anymore...I want to revert back to myself. Just that with some stuff happening, i can't really revert back to myself so soon...not soon enough. I need to get over some stuff. I need to forget some stuff...before I can move on...

The year is ending in 2h. 2010. I hope things will change for the better next year. Thank you to my classmates and friends who have been there for me this year! (: last but no least, thank you squadmates! for not just being there for me but going through everything with me and making my memories of NYNP even better! (: jiayou everyone! in year 2010! (: hehe.

Goodbye 2009. Welcome 2010. (:

Moving on.

2010-01-17T11:41:00.000+08:00

I've decided to move on after a long long time (: